Saturday, 31 October 2009

My little pumpkin

Tonight I stood beside my firstborn's bed, the dim lamplight brushing the contours of his face, I watched his chest rise and fall with the regular breath of sleep and started as he rolled over in bed, afraid I had woken him with my silent regard. He is six today, a Halloween baby and always our little pumpkin. I am wiped out after throwing a spooky birthday party for him and traipsing the local streets trick or treating, bringing home a haul of sweets that should keep him going until his next birthday.

As appears to be the case with children, each milestone you reach seems to race up upon you at an ever faster pace. I cannot believe the boy sleeping peacefully in his room below where I type is the tiny baby I held in a hospital bed, petrified at what I had gone and done, just six short years ago. I think the bond I have with number one was forged in such adversity that it has a quality that none of my other children can match.

I love all my boys with a passion that defies belief, but nothing is quite the same as the experiences you share with your precious firstborn. I am not sure this is an unalloyed benefit to either of you. I certainly made many mistakes with number one, and the intense gaze of parental attention isn't always a good thing, but it's certainly unique.

My first pregnancy was so magical. I found the whole sensation that something, another human, was growing inside me, so alien. I couldn't quite equate that burgeoning bump with a real live baby, and when my boy did arrive he was nothing like what I had expected. Conditioned by adverts on the TV which portray babies using six-month-olds who can sit up, smile and play, my newborn son was a revelation to me, and more in an apocalyptic sense than a pleasant one. His blank eyed stare chilled me, and I found it hard to wait hand and foot on this being that seemed to give nothing back.

We never got along with breast feeding and I still recall one night when he looked up at me, his dark blue eyes seemingly filled with malice as yet again I was unable to satiate his hunger. I almost flung him away from me across the bed I was so frightened by him. I would grimace smiles at him as I had read that you must smile at your baby, lest he feel unwanted, but every time I heard him cry I would cringe away from the inevitable painful battle that would ensue as I tried, and invariably failed, to feed him.

That said, although I found getting to grips with being his mummy unbearably hard, he is also the only baby I could devote myself to without distraction. When I look back at his baby days I recall holding my tiny son close and dancing away with him for hours, feeling proud that I could bear a child and still have some idea of what 'the kids' were listening to. I can't hear Maroon 5 or Keane without instantly being transported back to my old living room, holding my baby son close to my heart and weeping tears of love for him, wetting his bald and uncomprehending skull with the damp outpourings of maternal passion.

We went everywhere together, me and my boy, we spend every hour of his first few months learning how to be mother and child, learning how to love each other, and the result is an intense adoration that can, at times, exclude all others.

This is the boy who leaves me love notes under my pillow and the child who made me realise how much I loved being a mummy. I think with all my subsequent children I have been trying to recapture that feeling of wonder (tinged with a heavy dose of terror and trepidation) you have with your firstborn. I have since come to understand that you can't turn the clock back and that it is a feeling exclusively reserved for number one.

The others get the benefit of a more relaxed and confident mummy, but they can never experience that topsy turvy journey into parenthood, where you become aware of the depths of passion and despair that your child can stir up in you, where you experience the first kick, first birth, first night feeds, first crawl, steps, words and on and on it goes.

My first baby taught me how to care for him and for his brothers, and as he grows older I learn more and more from him. But no matter how old he gets in some part of my heart he will always be that blue-eyed baby who taught me how to be his mummy and for that I am forever in his debt. He owns a special place in my heart that no one else could ever share and that will be my birthday present to him for the rest of his life (although at six I think he preferred Rosie, his sparkly pink unicorn from Build a Bear!)


  1. A beautiful post - Happy Birthday to your little pumpkin.

    Wanted to say many congrats also on your listing in the Independent Top 50 - absolutely deserved. You're always one of my favourites.

  2. A beautifully written honest post. I am there with you on the breastfeeding, and the frustrations being unable to feed can cause. Thank you for writing this post, it helps me realise that I am not alone in struggling when a first time mum.

    Happy birthday to him!!!

  3. A lovely post. You describe so well the overwhelming feelings of love and horror at being responsible for this tiny person. With subsequent children you don't have time to be with them alone for hours. You have already found your way as a mother.
    Happy Birthday to your little pumpkin.

  4. What a moving post. My second son is just under two months and my elder one is two years, so I haven't had any love notes yet, but I already recognise some of the differences you talk about. I'm finding caring for my new baby much easier than caring for the first one was (what's hard is having two) but there's an incredible intensity about the relationship with the first child.


  5. Sigh. I need to stop reading your blog now. I haven't visited for a while, and am, as usual, now sitting here with tears on my cheeks. Beautifully written, and so very true.

  6. (hmph - lost half my comment!)
    My biggest boy turns 11 in January - Just Unthinkable.
    But finally I have learned - have stopped looking back, yearning for the most beautiful, amazing toddler that he was - and am able to look forward, relish this amazing, clever, fun boy he is, and watch with baited breath as he becomes the incredible man I know he will be.
    But of course, your pumpkin is 6. Still delicious - you still have '8' to wade your way through before you can scale the dizzy relief of 10...